Are you embarrassed by your bitchy mum skills? Here’s ten ways to become an overnight expert.

Bitchy Mum 101

bitch mums 101

1. Wear an aloof and disinterested expression.

2. Do not smile at people who smile at you. Similarly, force out a hello (maximum) to people who say hi to you – but do not say hi first.

3. Firmly believe that you have enough friends and you don’t need to talk to other mums just because you have children the same age who are playing together nicely.

4. Manoeuvre your child towards children you consider to be appropriate play mates or keep your child on your knee to avoid interaction with others.

5. When spoken to by other friendly Mums, reply with a simple answer and do not ask a question in return.

6.  Wear large sunglasses after any play/learning event to avoid the possibility of a ‘smile and wave’ when leaving the car park.

7. Leave quickly after your child’s class to avoid chit chat with non-bitchy mums.

8. Prepare a list of responses to questions beginning with ‘my child…’ Or any other first-person reference. Allow all to believe that you are handling everything perfectly and getting oodles of sleep – showing cracks is a sign of weakness in the bitchy mum aesthetic!

9. If you have friends who introduce you to other friends because they think you will get along, do not ask about them or remember their names to show that you are disinterested.

10. Embrace the bitch within – it is better to appear to be a bitch than to suffer from shyness.

**This little post is (obviously I hope!) written with tongue firmly in cheek. It is inspired by a recent gathering of mummies that proved to be less than social. I was the friendliest of the bunch and was not rewarded with much in return. Those Mums were good at being bitchy mums but none of them knew each other! And it got me thinking… Given that I don’t have a bank of ‘slap down’ lines that I would be comfortable using against bitchy-mum-strangers, perhaps it would be better to just join in?

But if you don’t want to appear to be a bitch – simply do the opposite of all of these ten steps.

I would love to know the experiences of other parents. Does having children automatically give you something worthwhile to have in common with other mums and dads? Is ‘flying solo’ at children’s events just the way of the future?


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